When I was about six months into my sober recovery I was in the shower experiencing a panic attack. My mind felt as if it had sharp claws and kept screaming the most vulgar intrusive thoughts one could possibly think of. I felt like I was suffocating. I began to ball my eyes out and wondered if anyone else in the world had these types of thoughts or experiences. I wondered what was ‘wrong’ with me, why I could not live life like a ‘normal’ person or peacefully.
Before I got sober I numbed this mental chaos every day. When I put down the drugs and drinks there was no place I could run and escape to anymore. I had to face myself. I had to face the darkness. The first thing I did in my recovery was turn to yoga and meditation big time. I inhaled every Eastern spiritual teaching I could in order to deal with a mind that wanted me and everyone around me dead! I knew my only fighting chance was training in presence because only in the present moment could I create a new habit patten of peaceful relating.
Every Christmas, birthday, and each morning upon arising I would make one soul deep wish: for genuine peace of mind. There is still nothing more important than this. Today I can honestly say I feel sustainable peace because I am not reaching for an ideal state of what I believe peace should look or feel like. Even when I am in the curvy loops of this karmic roller coaster which have me hanging on for my dear life, there is an embodied trust knowing it is impermanent and perfect for my soul’s evolution.
If there was one thing I could whisper to my younger self during the first year of my recovery it would be, ‘This will feel like a snap of finger when you look back in hindsight, keep living one breath at a time, continue to stay determined to return to the light sweetheart.’ In the metaphysical mind training text called, A Course In Miracles, it states, ‘The light is your strength.’ Reading this, trusting it, and having the conviction to embody it is what propelled me from the trenches of darkness into the life I live today- it is what continues to save me day after day. It is what reminded me there was nothing wrong with me, even within the dark chaos I am inexplicably whole and complete.
My ego, aka false identification of self, is vicious AF. She is loud as a screechy megaphone. She is bitter as the first suck of a warhead candy. She is convincing as a seductress. She will do whatever she can to hold me underwater. My True Self is the fresh air above the water.. She is the fresh breath of freedom after feeling like I had been drowning- after loosing sight of the bright clear sunny sky above me. She is always there but I have to choose to relate to her as if it is a full time job, because it is! I have to train myself in meditation to call in Divine qualities from masters like Buddha, Christ, or Mary Magdeline. I have to contemplate on the characteristics of my heroes such as the Dalai Lama, Marianne Williamson, and Wayne Dyer. I have to remember over and over again the same seeds of enlightenment and higher virtues are within me and this is the Self I dying to relate to. This is why the ego is so LOUD, because it is crying for me to return home.
Peace of mind is a process, but it begins with a moment by moment choice. This does not mean it will feel like we are floating on a hammock in the Hawaiian island from one choice. No. This is setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. We might have to say an affirmation 1000 times to actually believe it. We might need to whisper I accept you 500 times to feel the fresh breeze of acceptance. We are karmic suffering beings, meaning we have a bunch of skeletons to clean out of our closet and we will encounter a bloody death process as soon as we make the decision to live as our highest self. True peace of mind arises from not escaping reality as it is but staying. Staying and knowing we have the power of how we relate to the noise. We have the power of how we choose to respond one thought and emotion after the next. Taking radical responsibility for the way we relate to our inner world is what cultivates sustainable peace. Nothing outside of ourself is the cause for what we are feeling- it is our interpretation of how things ‘should’ be which is the recipe for suffering.
What matters the most is making a commitment every day to remember our true essence, our light, so we can be more skillful with how we relate to our minds. It does not matter if it is yoga, meditation, tai chi, running, or church- if it helps you remember your light the purpose has been served!
The light is our strength. The darkness is not ‘bad’ or ‘evil’ – it is merely aspects of our past self that have not been held in love yet. The more we relate to our true self the greater capacity we have to hold the aspects of ourselves we want to run from. As we remember who we really are we will stay centered in the eye of the storm. True peace is knowing we are the eye and not the storm. It is not wising for the storm to go away. It is trusting the storm needs to be there so old karma can be cleared that day. It is staying so calm and certain in the perfection of destruction that the storm can not help but to pass while the sun comes out at last.
Sometimes I am not sure how I made it through my first couple years in recovery because the storms were so violent. But then I remember my secret: I am a woman on a fucking mission to live in the light. I did everything I possibly could to keep myself centered in Truth so I could survive to tell you. I surrendered my life to a greater and deeper power. I was willing to get uncomfortable AF so I could discover my true self. I practiced radical acceptance like crazy even when everything within me was telling me it was not acceptable. I spent every free moment with the yoga community, at Unity church, listening to podcasts about spirituality, reading self-help books, and chanting mantras. I was addicted to the light and the generous hands of my angels lifted me up.
I am here as your cheerleader waving my light beamed pom poms knowing you can rise above whatever you are going through sweetheart. No matter how dark it might feel, how impossible your mind might seem, you too can do anything you put your mind too. Determination and willingness are the key in this game of mind-mastery. It first starts with having faith that you are light! You are love! Even when the intrusive thoughts were saying the most whack things I could have possibly heard, I had to believe there was light within myself. Yes, it was a process to embody this belief, but it started off with me affirming it and filling myself up with recourses that would remind me. Remember peace of mind begins with this moment. It begins with making a decision to surrender to the light. I have radical faith in you! The question is do you have faith in your light? What is the next action you will take today to believe in your potential of your true self?
I am a sacred empowerment life coach who offers 1:1 services for women who are determined to awaken to their true self and rise in the light. If you feel inspired to live in alignment your highest self in 2020 but need some extra support, I would be honored to be here for you. We can set up a discovery call exploring what working together would look like! There are no commitments with the discovery call. Please direct message me on social media or send me an email from my website if you feel inspired lovely.