I just arrived back in my cozy dorm room after a slow-flow yoga class in Rishikesh India. The blazing heat from the sun was creeping in through the ashram’s windows as I hopped in my bed and melted in a pool of tears and sweat. I laid on my bed with my journal as a pillow not knowing what to write or do next. It was my second to third week at the ashram, sixth month sober, and I was on a healing path for over a year. I was distressed because I still could not stand myself. My thoughts were constantly attacking myself and everyone else, I could not catch a break. My gracious roommate walked into the room and said, “Mallory are you okay?” Like a sad puppy dog I told her, “I bust my ass every day doing everything that I can to heal my mind. I pray, meditate, journal, read, and chant non stop. All I desire is to be love and to love. I want to love myself and have no idea how to because the intrusive thoughts are so atrocious.” She hugged me and whispered, “ be gentle, it is a process.”
After this incident I went to talk to one of my teachers. I told her how intense my mind was and she reminded me that I am not my thoughts. My teacher said, “look at your thoughts as if they are a hurt child within you. This child has been neglected and wants to get your attention. She wants to be loved. Love is the only thing that will heal her temper tantrum. Become the mother of your mind. Mother your ego.” This was my first lesson in radical self-love. This is when it all clicked and made sense. Before this moment I was inhaling self-help books nonstop like a starved child for wisdom. I realized that no book or lecture from that point would help me with my mind- I had to make the choice to radically love myself no matter how insane and unlovable the inner climate was.
I had no idea how to love myself because I wanted so bad to ‘be in the light.’ I felt toxic shame every moment of the day. I did not realize that darkness is the light’s entry point.I took a lot of the new age ‘be careful what you are thinking because you are creating your reality with every thought’ way too seriously, to the point that it was traumatizing. If you can imagine the most fucked up thoughts you can think of, then you got a glimpse into my mind! I resisted my thoughts because I thought that I was choosing horrific self talk with the universe. I did not want to create that reality! I did not realize that I was powerless over those intrinsic thoughts. What I was not powerless over was acceptance and radical self-love. Creating a new reality manifests from choosing unconditional love.
My entire life I had an unrealistic expectation of who I needed to be in order to love myself unconditionally. What I did not understand was how to love from the heart of God, rather than from my own limited human conception of love.
The reason that daily spiritual practice is so crucial in a self-love journey is because they help us remember the true self, that we are God embodied. If we are not feeding our soul with any nourishment to remember itself then we will drown in the mucky trenches of the ego. Every single time we show up on our mat, pray, meditation pillow, turn on a lecture, flip open a spiritual text, or talk to a mentor – we are building strength in remembering the true self. As my roommate mentioned, this is a process. We cannot give up after a month because we have not seen results. After this incident it took me at least a year of practicing radical-self love to notice that I was not reacting as much to the darkness. Spiritual practice is a constant charging of the spirit.
Most humans live in complete identification with the darkness. If their spirit-awareness-meters was an iPhone battery it would be on the red bar. In order to know who we are, we must know who we are not- we must become spirit identified. Our spirit is powerful beyond measure and is the aspect of ourselves that is perfect. . When we shift our mindset to know that we are perfect, no matter how many flaws, we begin to embody radical self-love. In India I heard thoughts such as, “you are awkward and stupid- every one hates you” over and over again. I learned how to shift my mindset to see it as my ego’s attempt to grab my attention so that I could embody the unconditional love of God. I whispered ‘I love you’ over and over again as if I was singing a lullaby to a whiny child that desired care. Every time I whispered ‘I love you’ – I remembered who “I” was. Every single time I loved the pattern the love was able to ripen the immaturity of darkness.
Elen Debenport states, “The human species is immature. The Aramaic word that became evil in the Bible is bit, which means “immature” or “unripe”” The collective state of human consciousness is unripe. It is not evil, it is not bad, it just merely has not been loved yet. Our consciousness ripens from the sunlight of spirit, from the sparkling rays of unconditional love.
My final questions for you are:
If you know that you are ‘god,the universe, divine, spirit, source, creator’ in a body, how could you not love yourself?
How can you practice radical self-love on a daily basis? How can you charge your soul on a daily basis ?
I am a 1:1 life coach that helps women embody self love by remembering who they are and befriending their shadow. We need as much support as we can get on this journey! If you feel like you need some extra help, reach out sister! I am here for you. Check out my coaching service page.
Also ! I have a free video training and workbook on how to shift suffering into service. Click here https://mallorybales.com/free-workbook/ to download!