There is nothing I despise more than the paralyzed feeling of being frozen- the sensation of having my soul zapped out of me. As soon as a deep wound is activated, my throat immediately closes up. I have a very challenging time articulating any thoughts and my mind feels empty(not in the groovy buddhist expansive kinda way). I can’t think of any words to use besides cool or awesome.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs ‘MY HEART IS EFFING CLOSED RIGHT NOW, BACK OFF HUMANS!’
I am very passionate human being with so much to say. When I cannot express myself it makes me feel like I want to die in that moment. For some reason this is how my nervous system responds to vulnerability and I know I am powerless over this reality when it manifests. I am not powerless over radically accepting it although.
These are the moments I used to fear the most. These are the moments that used to turn into hours and days of vulnerability hangovers. It can be easy to get sucked up into a shame spiral afterwards. I used to drain so much of my precious life force energy in resistance to having these moments. I would project them onto situations before they even happened. I recently listened to a talk from Kyle Cease and he said, “It is not our fear that makes us feel shitty, but our resistance to the fear (or wound).”
I used to believe the more healing work I did, the more likely I would be able to escape these moments. There is a wisdom of no escape and an intelligence within vulnerability although.
Wisdom teacher Matthew Licata states, “What if no matter how many powerful awakening experiences you collect or how convinced you become that you have it all together, you will always be at risk of further heartbreak, deflation, and revelation. In the bedroom of the beloved there is always more humbling to come. There are no experts, no masters, and no final landing place where you are guaranteed a life without vulnerability. It is by your way of vulnerability she is able to reach you and fill you from within with her essence.”
Life isn’t about trying to figure out how to not experience our most tender vulnerabilities, because vulnerability is inevitable as long as we are human, as long as we are growing. Expansion is about cultivating the willingness and courage to go to the places we feel the most discomfort. In these vulnerable spaces we uncover and discover more of our power. We pierce past wounded spaces and liberate our soul essence.
Sometimes when I feel frozen the only thing I can do is be honest with another about what I feel. Sometimes when I am in this space, saying that I am feel super vulnerable is literally the only sentence that will come out with a sense of clarity and without stutter. Yes there may be fear around how they perceive me, but generally every time I open up and take off the mask, I create a bridge to greater and more genuine connection.
This past weekend I felt incredibly vulnerable in a connection and froze up. All I could talk about the fogginess. This hasn’t happened to me for a while. What I was most proud of is how quick my acceptance come back rate was and how little shame I experienced.Real growth isn’t about not having these moments, but how resilient we are afterward.
I used to fear these moments because I didn’t want to come off as weak, dull, vulnerable, and disempowered to others. Sacred power isn’t about how ‘perfect’ we come off to others, but having the courage to love ourselves unconditionally. Knowing our perfect lovability is what matters the most- knowing who we really are underneath layers of our humanity.
Exposing our authentic raw naked essence is the fire that melts frozenness around the heart. It is the solution to these terrifying moments. When we are naked there is sweet intimacy that blossoms within our hearts. A sense of sincerity and aliveness is reborn. It allows us to re-enter the moment with a charged spirit because we have taken off the mask and have allowed our soul to be seen. It is claiming that yes we might feel vulnerability, but it is not who we actually are.
In nakedness there is life. Emotions want to have a voice. Speaking up to another human when we are in the midst of deep tenderness is one of the first steps to free up space inside to explore what purpose it serves.
When we accept we release resistance and expand. We soothe shame. The fear might still be there, but acceptance is an expansive energy which helps our energy to not get stuck. Acceptance is fire that burns off armor and allows energy to dance with fluidity once again.
If you need support with radical acceptance around vulnerability I would love to be your guide sweet love. Please reach out to me about my 1:1 services.