There is nothing that I despise more than the paralyzed feeling of being frozen- the sensation of having my soul zapped out of me when I experience my deepest vulnerabilities. As soon as a deep wound is activated, my throat immediately closes up. I have a very challenging time articulating any thoughts and my mind feels completely empty(not in the buddhist expansive kinda way)- I can’t think of any words to use besides cool or awesome. It is incredibly traumatic when this happens.I want to scream at the top of my lungs ‘MY HEART IS EFFING CLOSED RIGHT NOW, BACK OFF HUMANS!’
I am such a passionate human being, with so much to say. When I literally cannot express myself, it makes me feel like I want to die- because I feel like a corpse zombie inside. For some reason this is how my nervous system responds to deep trauma, and I know that I am powerless over this reality when it manifests. Believing that I have power over how my body / psyche initially responds when I am in a deep fear state is spiritual bypassing- it is ignorance.
These are the moments that I fear the most, these are the moments that can turn into hours and days of vulnerability hangovers. It can be challenging to not get sucked up into a shame spiral afterwards. I drain so much of my precious life force energy in this vibration of fear because of my resistance to having these moments- I project them onto situations before they even happen. I recently listened to a talk from Kyle Cease and he said that it is not our fear that makes us feel shitty, but our resistance to the fear (or wound).
I have always thought that the more healing work I do- the more likely I will be able to escape these moments that I dread the most. There is a wisdom of no escape- instead of trying to escape, I can get curious and ask the wound questions. Questions are the secret pathway to the soul- they reveal what we need to know in order to grow. Spiritual leader Michael Beckwith states, “Behind every problem there is a question trying to ask itself. Behind every question there is an answer trying to be revealed. Behind every answer is an action waiting to be taken. Behind every action there is a new way of life trying to be born.”
I cultivate the ability to soothe the vulnerability hangover when I question the purpose of the wound. Questions invoke the ambition to take the next best step to raising my vibration. I might feel like hell for the first couple of actions-but, by choosing to not stuff the heavy emotions and exploring what wisdom lies beneath the surface of the shadow- I invite myself to slowly creep back into embodied light.
Asking our wounds questions is like opening up the heavenly gate to a soul pharmacy- each next best action we take allows our emotions to be expressed, rather than suppressed. It is like ingesting a soul vitamin. We need quite a few vitamins to feel better, but once we open up the pharmacy, we will continue to be directed to which vitamins to take from there on out.
Life isn’t about trying to figure out how we cannot experience our most tender vulnerabilities- because in this obliviousness we would be limiting our spirit’s expansion. Life is about cultivating the willingness and courage to go to the places that we feel the most discomfort. It is about discovering our intrinsic strength to accept and express the emotion. Emotional alchemy is the art of not resisting fear.
Sometimes when I am feeling frozen the only thing I can do is be honest with another about what I am feeling. Sometimes when I am in this space, saying that I am feeling super vulnerable is literally the only sentence that will come out with any sense of clarity and without a stutter. It takes a lot of courage to do this because I am usually so afraid about how the other will perceive me. Generally every time I open up and take off the mask- I create a bridge to greater and more genuine connection- which paves a pathway up the emotional ladder to joy.
Yesterday I experienced one of these incredibly tender moments. The only sentence that I seemed to be able to form was, ‘wow I have no idea why I am so frozen right now. When I am nervous my throat closes up and I forget how to express myself. I feel really uncomfortable and do not feel like myself right now.”
This didn’t make me feel better right away- but it was the first soul vitamin I took to help me climb out of this dark mysterious womb into a rebirth of what was attempting to be explored. It was the first step to cracking the shields around my heart and feeling a sense of unity with this lovely being once again.
I fear these moments because I don’t want to come off as weak, dull, vulnerable, and disempowered to someone else. I trust that my authentic power lies in loving myself unconditionally, and realize that the only true source of validation I need is from a power far greater than myself. My strength lies in accepting myself in these delicate moments and trusting that Divine Will will never not be done, the world will not crumble and fall apart if someone perceives my energy to be ‘off’. Being in my power comes not from my energy always feeling aligned, but having the willingness to love myself anyways. The chances are likely that the stormy weather will pass more quickly with self-compassion, with a heightened sensation of ease and grace.
I strongly believe, at least for me, that exposing my naked essence is the the ice-breaker and solution to these terrifying moments. Being raw and naked is the way out of the hell-ish hole. When we are naked there is something that flourishes within our hearts- a sense of sincerity and aliveness is reborn. It allows us to re-enter the moment with a charged spirit because we have taken off the mask and have allowed our soul to be seen.
In nakedness there is life. Nakedness tames down whatever shame is being experienced in the moment, like some water sizzling down the heat of a fire. Emotions want to have a voice-speaking up to another human when we are in the midst of chaotic tenderness is one of the first steps to freeing up space inside to explore what purpose the chaos serves- what the chaos is asking us to explore.
It feels comforting to finally accept the fact that I will probably always experience this frozen-ness here and there while I am on planet Earth. I am sure that it will not make it feel any more less shitty in the moment- but the acceptance come-back-rate is where the magic is lurking.
When I accept, I trust that I am releasing resistance. I am taming the fear and shame that comes from these moments. The fear might still be there, but fighting with life is what creates so much more unnecessary suffering, it is what causes me to get stuck and begin acting out with toxic habitual patterns.
I trust that if I choose to express my naked essence, ask the wounds questions, and take receptive action- then I will no longer have to drown in the frozen darkness- radical acceptance is the malleable fire that burns off the armor and ignites my energy to groove in a fluid flux once again.