I will never ever forget the beginning of my healing journey- listening to recordings for hours on end on ‘how to stop thinking’. I must have read in between the lines of Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now’ when he spoke about no thoughts and presence, because I literally thought that he meant that peace comes from forcefully stopping one’s thoughts.(if that could even be possible!) I remember having a conversation with my dad telling him I was training myself how to not think- LMFAO- he probably thought I was loosing it! Well, I kind of was!Sometimes as we awaken we seem more intense, loony, and amusing- because we are allowing ALL of the ego’s costumes to full surface in order to be healed.
I can only laugh back at these times now- laugh at my radical determination to find peace and the essence of my Divinity. Now, I am wise enough to know that the art of acceptance and witnessing is the true source of presence, transmutation, and ultimately peace.
What I didn’t realize in the beginning of my healing journey was that I couldn’t control the thoughts and emotions that were arising. All that I could control was the way I responded to them and what actions I could further take to bring me into a state of equanimity.
Some self-help books/ teachers make it sound like it is so easy to respond to our thoughts with a different perspective- like slapping a mantra like a bandaid on top of archaic dark wound is going to be the end all. While I do believe that mantras work magic- I know for me, I need a hell of a lot more than just a mantra. I need to create an entire sacred structure, a sort of cosmic technology for the reconstruction of my being to come into right alignment with my soul- with love.
I still suffer immensely from my thought patterns today. There has not been a quick fix to the magnitude of my shadow. She is a tough cookie and wants to keep me underneath a dark spell- convincing me that I am someone that I am not. I allow her to get the best out of me so often because I feel like I should have more strength in my equanimity and should be further along. I can’t measure my growth according to the thoughts I initially think or the emotions I feel, but rather the level of devotion I have and my vigilance to forgive my thoughts and see them differently. My emotional patterns are going to shift day to day- that is not in my control. My control lies in how deep my desire is to know my self as Divine, and how much I choose to feed my soul rather than ego.
My spiritual practices are crucial. They are my medicine. I accept and know that I need a HELL of ALOT of meds! Everyone has their own unique meticulous agenda that organically fits for how they connect to spirit. For me, Divine discipline (with softness around the edges) is what keeps me centered in my heart and keeps my spirit charged and alive. When I stay true to the practices that fuel my soul, I have a lot better chance at acceptance and am mystically graced with the capacity to let go. I believe this is because I am grounded in the essential strength of my being. The dark aspects of my self don’t have as much charge when my spirit is electrified in it’s Truth. I must have the willingness to do the footwork for my spirit to stay lit although.
When I commit to my spiritual practices I know that I have a strong backbone to rely on know matter how cray cray this mind of mine may get, or how much life does not seem to flow the way I wish for it to.I know that I have a safe haven to come home to, to charge my being up with the light of acceptance. My spiritual practices are like an iPhone charger for acceptance- as soon as my battery is running low, I can trust I can work my way back towards 100% if I keep coming back. If I can gain enough strength to surrender to what makes me feel the best over and over again- then I know there will be something greater on my behalf working to dismantle these patterns of fear into the vibration of love.
It doesn’t matter how shitty I feel or how much I might despise my life in that moment- all that matters is that I take the next best action to what I know will fill me up. What I choose to do in this moment to rise up is all that matters, the next moment will take care of itself. It doesn’t matter how painful this next step might be- I trust that this next step is what will help me come back to life and rise from the strife. Life is an endless series of one action after the next. The only way to navigate this journey of peace is to continuously choose the next best action after the next, and to forgive myself for when I don’t, and then try again.
I believe that this is the journey of peace- accepting that my mind can be cuckoo and far from the ‘ideal’ of peace, and then doing whatever is in my will to keep returning home to what feeds my soul. Acceptance seems like a bizarre concept, sometimes something that is not within reach. I believe with my entire being that acceptance is a mystical process. I trust that surrender and Divine discipline, for me, are the keys.
I am not a spiritual bypaasser. In reality I know that I will have low moments over and over again. I know I don’t have to dwell in them when they happen because I have the magical potion to be lifted up out of the sorrow- commitment to my spiritual practices.. I trust that these practices will continue to do the work through me. My work is to be true enough to myself, regardless of what anyone else/society might think, so that I can keep returning home, over and over and over again