We all have those people in our lives that seem like they are always happy and have all their shit together. I know my first initial response is to judge myself for not always feeling like I am blasting radiant rays of light from my heart like a god damn care bear. My human reaction is to feel like I am doing something wrong in life.
I have a dear friend that seems as if she is constantly bubbling up with an explosion of joy. She is that woman in the room that makes many feel inadequate. She is that vivacious,outspoken, extrovert that society portrays that all beings should be like if they want to be happy. I would have never initially thought that she struggles like crazy if I didn’t get to know her well. When we opened up to each other she told me that if she doesn’t get attention she feels like she is going to crawl out of her skin, to the point where she can’t even sleep. Even though she has this appearance of being the most vibrant being in the room( from my own perspective) she is experiencing her own form of suffering as well inside.
My mom always asks me how I suffer- I am attending the school of my dreams, I have countless amount of angelic friends, I am finically stable, I am healthy, I am living a life aligned with my hearts passions- she asks me ‘what the heck can you be suffering with? How can life be a struggle for you?’
Well- I suffer like crazy, just like you, just like her, just like him! I suffer with the fear of being inadequate and with the fear of self expression- to the point where it sometimes paralyzes me. As I step into my power, I suffer with the fear that having boundaries comes off as ‘bitchy’ and feel like I am not compassionate enough. I suffer with the fear that I have nothing worthy to say and that I will never able to articulate myself in an eloquent fashion. I suffer with my shadow ALOT- all that matters is how we respond to suffering and how to find a better way to channel the low vibrational energy.
Ever since I was a little girl I never knew how to be myself or accept myself. Even though I have done massive amounts of healing work, it would be bypassing to say that pain is not there anymore. For me, the pain of feeling inadequate might be more severe then what someone else might feel when they feel inadequate. My soul’s mission is to teach people how to awaken to their potential, so when I am feeling like shit about myself, I judge myself that much more for feeling like shit- which only makes me feel like more shit! This is a vicious cycle of unrealistic expectations of how I ‘should’ feel or be.
I believe the only way for this particular soul of mine to experience happiness in this lifetime is to end the vicious cycles of judgements for feeling like shit. I can’t help that I feel inadequate or unworthy, but I can respond to those feelings with love and kindness. I can witness what I am feeling and whisper ‘it’s all okay darling’.
While I was in meditation at a vipassana retreat, I had one traumatic memory after the next flood in. I was fully reliving these memories and a lightbulb popped up that reminded me that these memories are ALWAYS alive within me!
When I am feeling unworthy, it is the 5 year old Mallory that was being laughed at because she had a speech impediment. When I feel like I have nothing to say, it’s really the 21 year only Mallory that would have to take 4 shots before a lunch date with friends because she had such mad social anxiety. These feelings of low self-worth are unconscious memories that are still so very alive, replaying themselves over and over, so that they can be loved and healed.
I will tell you, I have a WHOLE LOT of these shitty feelings from the span of my entire life, and WHOLE LOT to heal. I am constantly, constantly, constantly, being triggered- but everything is an opportunity to remember to accept myself no matter what I am feeling. The quicker I can accept, the quicker I can groove with the energetic momentum towards joy.
I began my healing journey with the desire to ‘become happy’. I have realized throughout this journey that having that desire only leads to expectations- which leads to disappointment. I feel like a failure when I shoot for ‘happiness’ because I experience shadow so much, because I have SO much to heal. I have refocused my desire to ‘become accepting’. I know that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today, it is the golden path to happiness. I have made a vow to stop fighting with life (whatever emotion I am experiencing) and to also find acceptance if I do cave in and fight with it. Acceptance is large, warm, embracive, fuzzy arms around it all. Everything is an opportunity to accept, over and over and over again! The opportunities to heal are endless, aren’t we lucky!
We all suffer from something even if it looks like we have it all together from the outside. This is what connects us on the deepest level possible- being open and vulnerable about where we suffer the most. Vulnerability is the antidote to suffering. This blog isn’t to pretend like I am an expert at anything, it is here so I have a medium to express my naked essence. It is here to inspire others to do the same, so we can remember our common humanity together and rise above the collective pain of being human. By accepting the pain we open the the floodgates to magic.